Chapter 2 of 74 · Book 6, The Eye of the Bedlam Bride

Chapter 2 — Hills Cyclops

Book: The Eye of the Bedlam Bride · Part: Havana · Previous: Chapter 1 — The Ghosts of Earth · Next: Chapter 3 — The Scavenger's Daughter · Floor: Floor 8 — The Ghosts of Earth · Series: the series

Opening

“Oh, man,” I said to Mordecai as we entered the saferoom.

Summary

Mordecai is a Hills Cyclops now — pink, fat, one egg-sized eye, a Patrick voice, 'These dudes definitely fuck their sheep' — after ten minutes as an armless slime on the seventh floor; only Bomo remains of the four cretins. No spellbook-of-the-floor for Donut ('You snooze you lose'); a book of Mute instead. Mongo looks out into the guildhall for someone and gives a sad little squawk. Samantha is back, hair and skin restored, having flown through the brambles to the door — 'We need to go back out there and find a pulpmancer!' — and Mordecai, by chat: withering spirits should not be able to do any of this; do not give her the golem until they know why. Mordecai on Prepotente's broken floor: the engineers built the fairy tale too faithfully, the Valtay are angry with Borant, the Apothecary and the Plenty made money on it, the tunnel-system fees for a skipped floor are not refunded — and then he sees the spinning star over Donut: 'You did it?' 'We kickstarted a war!' Who is your warlord adjutant? The achievements: Oh shit! A country boss!; The Scourge, champion murderer supreme, a Legendary Hunter Champion Box; Marked for Life, a Platinum Apostate Box; Apex Predator — 'You have become a very scary dude. Maybe I should be calling you daddy' — a Celestial Predator Box; Ménage à Quatro; Fuck This Floor; Pacifist!; Collective Bargaining, a Gold Scab Box for a thousand crawlers getting the same box. Donut's haul: Phase Through Wall potions, a Town Upgrade coupon from the Recital, Love Vampire three to six so it casts on its own, a brush upgrade, a Cosmic Buff potion that lands on dexterity ('Lame'), a mercenary coupon for Meat Shields, a Flawless Jeweler's Gem (citrine, 'clashes with my fur') for her tiara, a spell called Rigorous, and from the Beguiler's box a glowing red Enchanted Nipple Ring of the Superior Fire Demon's Hand Maiden — quadruped, female, manual first fitting; fire immunity, cursed-item removal, (Intelligence)% to fire spells, and once a day Bitch, What?, a berserk 'Don't cast this inside of a Denny's'. And from the De-Sleeving box, 100,000 gold and a chained, quivering, wriggling Tome of Legionnaires of the Damned: reanimate unequipped armour and weapons with wailing souls from the river of the dead. With Laundry Day at fifteen, Mordecai says, she can strip a group and set their own armour on them. 'I've always been badass, Carl.' Elle has an ice staff; Bautista a shape-changing ring; the AI, Mordecai reckons, is compensating for a skipped floor and likely the Valtay's difficulty. Then Carl's turn.

Characters

• Mordecai — A Hills Cyclops; 'By his left tit'; wants a talk about Samantha, and whoops at Donut's cosmic buff potion.
• Princess Donut — Legendary boxes; a nipple ring she despises; a book that screams.
• Carl — A Celestial Predator Box for the last hunter; hands still shaking.
• Samantha — Restored, flying, demanding a pulpmancer; 'I'm going to kill your mother.'
• Bomo — The last cretin.
• Mongo — Looks for someone; a sad little squawk.
• Prepotente — The engineers' fault, per Mistress Tiatha.

Locations

• The Royal Palace of Princess Donut — The guildhall counter; an Instacot; a mailbox with one spellbook.

Motifs

• Achievements — The Scourge; Apex Predator; Fuck This Floor; Collective Bargaining.
• Loot boxes — A Celestial, three Legendaries; a Scab Box; a Meat Shields coupon.
• Faction Wars — 'Who's your warlord adjutant?'
• The Great Race — A doomed level, and who pays for a skipped floor.
• Samantha's power — A withering spirit that flies; the golem withheld.