Chapter 5 of 35 · Book 3, The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook

Chapter 5 — Vernon the conductor

Book: The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook · Previous: Chapter 4 — Limp Richard's books · Next: Chapter 6 — Banshee Station · Floor: Floor 4 — The Iron Tangle · Series: the series

Opening

We were done with the rest of the monsters only a few minutes later.

Summary

Carl's first fortifications: a Gangway Chock — a swordsman's breastplate thinned to a fifth of an inch — and door wedges made from weight benches, rattling but enough. At Phantom Kangaroo station the doors sever the arms of a Pollyslog (a kua-tin nightmare; the AI's description is still angry at Borant) and cut a second in half. Car 5 is the Employee Break Room, and at its bar sits Vernon, the yellow line's dwarf conductor, level 32, who drinks from station 10 to 435 and does it again. For Donut — 'Your majesty' — he tells what he knows: everyone must get off at 435 (433 is a big hub; 434 is out of service); after 435 everything goes fuzzy and he wakes at the yard at station 10. Not a time loop — his scar stays, his hunger stays — but the train loops: a bottle poured out is back on the shelf next run, and the drawing of his wife and his ten gold coins duplicate every trip. The ghouls board at station 12; the engineer, never seen (human, Vernon guesses from the voice), is locked in car 1 behind an engineer's key, and comes out only for a derailment. Mobs get off every five stops; a Goateo that stayed on past 435 came back as a skeleton. The full trip takes three days.

Katia stays to milk him for the map. Down the train, Carl tells Donut to give other crawlers, Hekla included, nothing on where they are — they have bounties now — though Hekla has named a move the 'Donut Kick.' At car 10, the Porters' Reward Room: Pierre, a Grapple (a slave race bred down from hill giants), hands out one suitcase per crawler per line, chosen by number from 1 to 200. Carl's number one is a stranger's roller bag with red lingerie, Delaware brochures and an invisibility potion. Donut's number eight — after Carl's Find Traps skill fires for the first time, 'YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THAT, BUCKO?' — is Literal Fire Ants. The moonshine explodes, Vernon burns, the party bails onto Banshee Station's empty platform and watches the train go by in flames. 'That was the worst prize ever.'

Characters

• Carl — Gangway Chock and door wedges; the trap-detection warning he doesn't understand in time.
• Princess Donut — Gets Vernon talking; asks for the porters' prize; catches fire.
• Katia Grim — Takes down every station Vernon knows; hurt when the train is stopped.
• Vernon — Yellow line conductor: the loop explained, the duplicating gold, the wife's drawing; dead by fire.
• Pierre — The Grapple porter of the yellow line's reward room.
• Mongo — Healed by Donut mid-fire.

Locations

• The Iron Tangle — Station 435 is the end of every line and no one remembers past it; car 5, car 10, car 1. Cars 2–5 explored; Banshee Station (116).

Motifs

• The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook — The first Gangway Chock; door wedges from weight benches.
• Loot boxes — The porters' suitcases: a prize room that is also a trap.
• The mobs are victims — Vernon, an NPC with a wife and a plan, killed by a prize.