Chapter 28 of 78 · Book 5, The Butcher's Masquerade

Chapter 28 — Premature Questjaculation

Book: The Butcher's Masquerade · Part: The Vengeance of the Daughter · Previous: Chapter 27 — Claude Sludgington the Fourth · Next: Chapter 29 — Blood and ink · Floor: Floor 6 — The Hunting Grounds · Series: the series

Opening

» New Achievement! Premature Questjaculation!

Summary

Premature Questjaculation! — Carl beat a quest before it could be given, and gets nothing for it; the boss drops a field guide to which stretches of river the naiads hold. Holger, weeping: Clint was torn apart in front of him, and now Miss Nadine, 'like my mama died.' 'She died fighting. Warrior's death.' 'Do you think she was worthy?' 'She worthy.' While the fighting fades, Carl disarms the slope and Find Traps reaches ten, lighting it like a Christmas display: silent alarms, glue traps, and recycled summoning traps that call two of the owner's own guards or minions — Donut's to program, since Carl controls no town. Samantha, thrown across the river on recon, reports the southern-shore Ursine 'GOT CAUGHT IN A WHEAT THRESHER': one three-toed track big enough to sit in, pink feathers everywhere. Areson: Big Tina — a kid, a big dinosaur in a pink boa with a wand long out of zaps, an anger problem, a taste for Ursine; she runs away from the mongoliensis and attacks the town downriver until they fetch her back. The Recital updates: kill her, or find out why she is the way she is. Signet surfaces, water sliding off her like oil off a pan: the castle was barely a fight, an algae infestation, a kingdom in shambles, 'My mother weeps from beyond the veil.' Part One complete — 'half the squad is dead because you left the southern shore unprotected.' Part Two of Two: the true culprits are the high elves; King Finian is dead, so the target is Queen Imogen, a reclusive pure-blooded mage who leaves her chambers only for the yearly party for the empire's elite, 'the same party you will be invited to'; the reward is the castle's contents, including, by rumour, something that protects against Scolopendra's attacks. Signet will not rule with her curse. Samantha volunteers. Edgar: 'I'll get my stick.'

Characters

• Carl — Find Traps to ten; recon by thrown head; a quest he cannot be given.
• Holger — Mourns Clint and Miss Nadine.
• Tsarina Signet — Surfaces victorious over a kingdom that fell on its own.
• Samantha — Recon across the river; a feather in her mouth; volunteers to rule the naiads.
• Areson the Wise — Names Big Tina.
• Big Tina — A juvenile dinosaur in a pink boa who eats Ursine and runs away from the pack.
• Edgar — Blood on his jaws like strawberry; enough moonlight left, he tells Signet: 'I’ll get my stick.'
• Clint Smashgrab — Dead; Carl knows his body will never be found.
• Miss Nadine — Worthy.
• Princess Donut — Asleep in a tree over the gore; woken by a quest.
• Queen Imogen — The target of Part Two; at the party for the empire's elite.

Locations

• Fort Freedom — Taken; an algae infestation, per Signet.
• The river — The southern shore's Ursine chewed in half; a field guide to naiad waters.

Motifs

• Achievements — Premature Questjaculation!: no reward.
• Quests — The Recital names Big Tina; Vengeance Part Two names Imogen and the party.
• The Vengeance of the Daughter — Part One done, Part Two is the masquerade.
• The mongoliensis — A three-toed track; a pink boa.
• Scolopendra — Something in the elf castle protects against her attacks.