Chapter 22 of 89 · Book 7, This Inevitable Ruin

Chapter 22 — Colonel Boomer

Book: This Inevitable Ruin · Part: The Ramp-Up · Previous: Chapter 21 — The southern trenches; rot stickers · Next: Chapter 23 — Killing in the Name · Floor: Floor 9 — Faction Wars · Series: the series

Opening

“The leeches are in place,” Colonel Boomer said, chomping on his unlit cigar.

Summary

Boomer, Elven Legate, level 62: a bulldog of an elf pickled for five thousand years with an unlit cigar, a tenner who survived seasons as a sixth-floor merchant, banned from Crawl Con for threatening to 'fist fuck' an orc showrunner to death on a panel, with a live warrant for a waystation brawl killing, a legend and — publicly disowned by Porthus, privately in contact — put in charge of the 106th by Tipid, whose soldiers love him. Donut cannot stop looking at him: cedar and acorns, 'Pops', not Boomer. The map: the naga corridor flat then hilly; forty big Dream trebuchets that reach the base and dozens of small ones from inventories that reach the trenches; two possible anti-air positions; fifty zebra-mounted mercenaries in reserve; twenty idle tanks that may be decoys; a hundred invisible Madness. Boomer's briefing: the Dream's bombardier-class 'pasty cousin fuckers' are desk-humpers who run, but the Epitome household guard are real veterans and Epitome Tagg fights near the front in a ridiculous helmet; the invisible Madness are Monkeywrenchers who once took two castles with twenty men; the Madness is this season's strong contender. The enemy soldiers are 'cheese sticks' to everyone, already in tattoo form. The enemy's three trenches, a hundred metres apart with no tunnels: the first a straight line of NPCs and mercenaries, mostly Prism banners; the second nearly empty; the third officers and hospital. No orcs, no Operatics, few Reavers, the Madness's Lemig inheritance — and only one naga standard, which worries Carl about where the rest are. Louis is down in the woods, hidden but not for long. Britney has become the liaison to the NPCs; two changeling spies of Juice Box's are in place because the diggers cannot cross naga rock. Eight miles from the border to the Blood Sultanate castle, built on rock against tunnels and oddly close to Shanty Town; Donut goes stiff looking at it. The naga castle always falls first, and the Sultana has never once been caught. Boomer lights the cigar. 'Fuck yeah.'

Characters

• Boomer — A bulldog of an elf, pickled five thousand years by Carl's simile, with a cigar, a warrant and two war gauntlets.
• Tran — Draws the enemy lines; crab legs telegraph his nerves.
• Princess Donut — 'Pops'; stiff at the sight of the naga castle.
• Britney Proskurina — Liaison to the NPC team.
• Carl — Wonders where the nagas are.

Locations

• The southern front — The planning bunker; a map of trebuchets, tanks and three trenches.

Motifs

• The Dream — Epitome Tagg's honour guard, and a helmet.
• The Madness — The Monkeywrenchers, invisible, a hundred strong.
• The Blood Sultanate — A castle on rock, near Shanty Town, and a leader no one has ever caught.
• The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook — Porthus and Boomer, publicly estranged and privately allied.