Chapter 13 of 35 · Book 4, The Gate of the Feral Gods

Chapter 13 — Gerbils

Book: The Gate of the Feral Gods · Previous: Chapter 12 — Dolores Doesn't Splat · Next: Chapter 14 — Maggie · Floor: Floor 5 — The Bubbles · Series: the series

Opening

Instead of meeting up with the others in the Bactrian ruins, we limped our way back to Hum

Summary

The AI has turned: Cannonball! ('Fuck you'; 'Not that you deserve it you little punk'), and every fallen gnome's corpse reads 'with an assist by the Crawler Bitch Boy Carl.' Donut works it out from a sniper's bandolier: the grenade balls are Live Ammo Balls, stasis pet-carriers fired from a Tickle Stick or in clusters from a point-defence battery, and every one of them holds a level-11 Frenzied Gerbil — the same creature as Ralph on the second floor, whom Carl stepped on to the AI's great excitement. The AI had wanted him hit with one all through the fight, and every ball missed. 'It appears you have given the system AI a case of… what is the term?' Then thousands of red dots: the gerbils from every ball that fell, and then more than could have fallen, generated as a punishment. Ten minutes of burrowing, launching, fire-lit gerbils push the defenders back to Weird Shit Alley; camels die at their guns; Donut's Wall of Fire makes flaming gerbils. Carl walks out past the barricade, catches one on the buckler, and steps on it. The wave stops. Fifty smushed, blood to the kneepads, and an achievement only he receives: You're the reason why daddy drinks! — 'The acceleration action has been suspended. This time.' — with a Gold Makeup Sex is the Best Sex box, and Carl's mantra: 'Fuck you all. I will break you.' Katia: 'a psycho ex-boyfriend going nuts and trying to murder you and your entire family because of something you didn't even know you did.' Donut: 'We are all prostitutes in one way or another, I suppose.'

The changelings have all vanished from the camels' ranks; only true dromedarians died. The Toe is under a block of dreadnaught, but its door still opens on the Royal Palace, where the children are finishing Toy Story 3. Juice Box: the principals will be in the necropolis after the ghost, and water is no problem for changelings. Boxes: Half Splat potions (land at 5%); the makeup-sex box is a Coffee Shop Author Kit, a magic sheet linked to a new scratchpad tab (Carl panics about his secret second tab and finds he now has three) that could put scrolls on the market, 'both cool and completely useless'; the Platinum Quest Box gives a Platinum Sharpening Stone that lengthens the gauntlet's spikes; Katia gets an armour-piercing bolt. Donut's Veriluxx 'product sample' is a robot Donut in rat-hair fur — 'Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk', mixed with Garfield ('I sure do like lasagna. I hate Mondays, Carl'; 'The void is wet and hungry'; 'Action-grip Hekatonkheires coming soon!'). 'I have merch. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened since I won Grand Champion Best in Show.' Ruby flees it; Mongo bites its head off and it catches fire. 'This is most certainly going into my review.' Fang caps add speed and strength to a level-29 Mongo. Walking the children out, Carl meets a red-and-black lava creature with a glowing spear and three player-killer skulls. 'Hello, Chris.' 'I'm glad to see you.'

Characters

• Carl — Steps on a gerbil to end a siege; 'Good boy'; three scratchpad tabs; meets Chris.
• Princess Donut — Diagnoses the AI; Wall of Fire's flaming gerbils; merch; Animal Wrangling 8.
• Katia Grim — Tank form at the barricade; 'a psycho ex-boyfriend'; an armour-piercing bolt.
• Mongo — Eats gerbils; decapitates the robot; new fang caps.
• Mordecai — Reads the scroll kit and the sharpening stone; comforts Ruby.
• Juice Box — The principals are in the tomb; water is no problem for changelings.
• Henrik — Gone since the Wasteland fell.
• Skarn — 'Can we come back tomorrow and watch another movie?'
• Ruby — Runs from the robot cat.
• Chris — Arrives: lava rock, a spear, three skulls.
• Louis and Firas — At the Bactrian ruins with the archers.
• Bea — The coffee pods, the couch, the article about fights and proposals.

Locations

• Hump Town — A gerbil siege to Weird Shit Alley; camels dead at their guns; the Toe crushed.
• The Royal Palace of Princess Donut — Toy Story 3; a robot cat on fire.

Motifs

• The System AI — 'Bitch Boy Carl'; gerbils by the thousand; 'the acceleration action has been suspended. This time.'
• The gerbils — Live Ammo Balls; Ralph remembered; the foot.
• Achievements — Cannonball!; You're the reason why daddy drinks!
• 'You're not going to break me' — After 'Good boy.'
• Carl's bare feet — The thing the AI wants.
• Sponsorship — Veriluxx's Garfield-Donut; 'For the children.'
• The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook — A third scratchpad tab hides the second.
• The changelings — Gone from the camels' ranks; the principals in the necropolis, Juice Box guesses.
• Entertainment as machinery — 'We are all prostitutes in one way or another.'