Chapter 29 of 74 · Book 6, The Eye of the Bedlam Bride

Chapter 29 — Der Schachmeister

Book: The Eye of the Bedlam Bride · Part: Havana · Previous: Chapter 28 — Rude-Dolph · Next: Chapter 30 — Four drugs · Floor: Floor 8 — The Ghosts of Earth · Series: the series

Opening

» Winning condition: Strike a single blow against the deckmaster.

Summary

Hours in the arena and a ridiculous amount of gold. Challenge difficulty beaten in seconds — Mushika, a level-50 rat from Indian myth, paralysed and swallowed by an unhinged jaw: 'Again.' Then Secret Challenge Mode, free, three tries, the first deck-versus-deck. Mid-fight Donut's outrage: Empress D'Nadia has sold her sponsorship ('I'm not a trading card to be collected and discarded, Carl. No offense, Raul') to Long Haul Biological Waste Management Solutions — 'biological waste' does not sit right with Carl. Raul: 'This worm grovels and kotows in your resplendent light […] blind to your vastness.' 'Did you just call me fat?' 'I beg your permission to kill myself in my dishonor!' 'And stop calling me daddy.' The roster's characters: Asojano, a dick who tried one debuff on Donut and was stopped by the arena, but kills bomber pigs with a shake of his wand; Raul and Geraldo who hate each other (Geraldo cracked his shell after a remark about his mother; the crab is now 'the spider lady's jinetera' after Shi Maria skewered him and used him as a cudgel on kappas); Raul's Bris, a ranged crush, and his cowering before any other totem; Skylar Spinach, silent, huddling up to Mongo and Samantha, Dodge 15 as a winged head, and a discovery — split and timed out, the halves become two stronger temporary cards; Shi Maria, who asks to see Donut's hand and suggests buffs, whose Cockroach returns her card to the deck, who plucks a sobbing gorgon's snakes one by one and kisses her as she dies, 'groaning sexually'; Uzi Jesus, fifty per cent compliance and a lie a minute later ('Maybe he's an atheist'; 'Believe in me, Princess Donut'; 'Don't gaslight me, Jesus'), who shoots himself in the shoulder. 'This is not how any of this works.' Carl refuses to backseat-deckmaster. The wolves: Der Kornwolf and Die Kartoffelwölfin, level 100, totems of Der Schachmeister — a twelve-year-old in a tuxedo and round glasses who wipes his nose on his sleeve and flips them off; level 25, twenty cards, an eight-second cooldown (so ten seconds is not a hard rule), 'an annoying little prick'. Summon Lock chains Donut's cards; Peekaboo shows her hand for the whole fight; To Hell With Ya burns the Shi Maria card. Raul's Bris snaps one wolf's head off from a distance; the other rolls him down the hill. Samantha rises glowing blue like a small sun — 'Nein! Nein!' — and fizzles: 'I used it all up.' The wolf hits Donut. 'Congratulations. If this was a real fight, you would all be dead right now.' 'That guy was a cheater.' Lessons: attack at once regardless of the hand, Carl and Mongo straight at the deckmaster ('They can't cast their spells when you're punching them in the face'), called moves for the totems; Asojano and Heyzoos nearly useless if slow. Katia is offering one of two totems that hate each other; taking it means losing one of theirs. A day left. 'Let's try this again.'

Characters

• Princess Donut — Sold to a waste company mid-battle; loses to a child.
• Carl — Throws a ball at an invisible wall; the punch-the-mage doctrine.
• Raul — Grovels, kotows, and snaps a wolf's head off at range.
• Shi Maria — 'Again.' The gorgon's kiss; a card that comes back; sadism as tactics — Carl: 'Shi Maria’s main tactic is the smart one. We need to be faster.'
• Heyzoos — 'Maybe he's an atheist'; shoots himself.
• Asojano — One debuff attempted on his own deckmaster.
• Geraldo — Cleaved by a minotaur; insults the crab's mother.
• Samantha — A blue sun that runs out.
• Der Schachmeister — Twelve, tuxedoed, eight-second cooldown, a middle finger.
• Princess D'nadia — Sold Donut's sponsorship.
• Katia Grim — Offering a totem she cannot control.

Locations

• The Mock Battle Arena — Verdant hills without line of sight; a mall; kappas and minotaurs.

Motifs

• T'Ghee totems — Deck-versus-deck: locks, peeks, burns; halves as new cards; obedience as the real stat.
• Sponsorship — Long Haul Biological Waste Management Solutions.
• Samantha's power — 'Nein! Nein!' — the child knew what was coming.
• Race and class — Katia's totems fight; Donut's barely listen.