Chapter 3 of 89 · Book 7, This Inevitable Ruin

Chapter 3 — The Tiara of a Thousand Lights

Book: This Inevitable Ruin · Part: The Ceasefire · Previous: Chapter 2 — Hosers and achievements · Next: Chapter 4 — Gloom Wraith Phase · Floor: Floor 9 — Faction Wars · Series: the series

Opening

I rubbed my hand on my bald head and moved to the side as Donut popped up her loot box men

Summary

Donut's boxes run out the door. Adventurer boxes give gold and Build Trench, Fill Trench and Temporary Water Source scrolls; the demon-head Platinum To Hell in a Handbasket box gives a real Shield spell to chain with her tech shield; the Platinum Tserendolgor box, a jewelled German shepherd in a helmet that barks and bursts into firecrackers, gives Sentry, a war-protection spell; the legendary quest box from Hell Comes to Crawler Town gives a cat-sized tartan kilt and a burned black tome trailing roots that makes Mordecai step back — You're Not Done Yet, 'It’s similar to Donut’s Second Chance, but it’s a lot more insidious.', a name Carl has heard before. The Celestial Benefactor box arrives as a spaceship with the logo of Long Haul Biological Waste Management Solutions, a crest company Mordecai has never heard of sponsoring anyone; it folds into a mechanical hand holding a red pillow and the Tiara of a Thousand Lights. The card tells the Legend: a lost crest habitat in an ancient junkyard that saved itself by jettisoning methane-breathing cockrents in cooking spheres as exploding lights — and was fined into indenture for it, a part usually left out. The tiara has 99 absorption jewels: any hat left ten hours on the charge pillow loses its magic to the pillow, which the tiara then takes, one jewel per buff; temporary effects burn a jewel out, cursed and god-blessed hats may not transfer, indebted items cannot, and an item lifted after one hour is drained anyway, with no notification ever. The Apothecary sends a second, purple pillow that drains any item and transfers only to a like item. Two hats go on to drain. Carl smashes Revitalize Pet on Mongo's rump, which works. Then Quan's Cloak of the Benevolent Champion, the first Celestial item awarded in Dungeon Crawler World: Earth, bound for a museum display: over 66 hours it raises the wearer's lowest base stat to the highest, gives Find Weakened — which Quan used to pick off the weakest — raises four spells to 15 and one skill to 15, and resets if anyone else wears it. Donut wonders whether Quan's own description was kinder. Mordecai's trick: a Charisma Cheat potion, now called MySpace Photo, makes the system read her charisma as 193 for two minutes, so the cloak will raise her constitution from four to 193 instead of 163. She learns Shield, drinks, gets a rude Catfish achievement, and wears the cloak as a shawl with the new tiara and sunglasses. Bad Attitude goes to 15 at once; Wall of Fire, Heal Critter and Puddle Jumper will follow; the skill is a mystery for a week.

Characters

• Princess Donut — A tiara worth a museum, a cloak worn as a shawl, and constitution on its way to 193.
• Mordecai — Steps back from a spellbook; a two-minute potion that fools the system.
• Carl — Smashes a potion on Mongo; 'Not bad when your base Constitution is four.'
• Mongo — Healing, at last.
• Quan Ch — His cloak, and the question of what his own description said.

Locations

• Larracos — The saferoom; the cleaner bot beeps at being suspected.

Motifs

• Sponsorship — A garbage company's celestial box and the Apothecary's platinum one, an hour apart.
• Loot boxes — A spaceship that becomes a hand; a shepherd that becomes firecrackers.
• The Krakaren — The Apothecary's second pillow, universal but like-to-like.
• The Cloak of the Benevolent Champion — Champion, 'handed out like candy and venereal diseases'; the first celestial item on Earth.