Chapter 67 of 89 · Book 7, This Inevitable Ruin

Chapter 67 — Hey, Dickless

Book: This Inevitable Ruin · Part: Open Hostilities · Previous: Chapter 66 — Rolling Battle Formation · Next: Chapter 68 — The Grease Monkey · Floor: Floor 9 — Faction Wars · Series: the series

Opening

The enormous ball of flesh flop-rolled over the fields, and Harpocrates followed.

Summary

The ball flop-rolls toward the corpse field behind the Madness castle with Harpocrates following. Carl puts Rend in his carrier, throws Invisibility onto Jamal and Gonk — a potion on the mount covers all its riders — and runs the trap field with Dong on Twinkle Toes. Louis lands atop the flat Reaver castle with a handful of unexploded No Disassembles and Waffle Makers he cannot set off. Only Carl and Dong glow yellow; the sluggalos, former tattoos and pets are a different kind of NPC, but why Dong? Carl asks Britney to send the Dream castle's digger at Harpocrates; Arief controls them while Juice Box is away. Victory, still in the hearing: 'You want this trial to go on as long as possible. We're stalling on purpose.' Donut takes the PA — 'HEY, DICKLESS […] IT SMELLS REALLY, REALLY BAD NOW […] MY FRIEND LIL WAYNE WROTE IT. IT'S ABOUT WIENERS' — and 'Lollipop' shakes the ground; the god stops and covers his ears; she starts a battle playlist. A summon trap misfires on the teleport ban (it was Face-Melting Acid Rats); the castle deshrouds them; Carl lifts a garage door. Ping: about twenty inside, three purple; the Book of Voodoo updates with three entries; Find Crawler shows two conscripted crawlers among the guards, one free with Houston in the surgical theater, and the corpse of Zeynep, level 58, the voice of reason at the Desperado Club. The free one is Burcu, badger-headed porsuk, swashbuckler, top-ten, with a crystal quest of her own. A green Retribution NPC in the room becomes an X. Carl's message to Burcu is refused as illegal corroboration; her Book of Voodoo page draws the theater's Fireball traps and begins on Houston before the book slams shut: 'This is still cheating, you clown. Nice try, though.' Outside, 'detachable penis' ('CHOI MI-SEON 2 […] IT'LL GIVE HIM THE WRONG IDEA'). Eighteen mercenaries and two conscripted crawlers rush in and stop at the yellow glow. 'Well, this is going to be fun.'

Characters

• Princess Donut — Insults a god over a PA and plays him Lil Wayne.
• Burcu — Alive on a table, drawing a map in the Book of Voodoo.
• Zeynep — A corpse on the theater floor; the Desperado Club, floor eight.
• Architect Houston — Screaming in his own operating theater.
• Baroness Victory — 'We're stalling on purpose.'
• Carl — Lifts a garage door; reads a book he is not allowed to.

Locations

• The Madness castle — A supermarket-sized rectangle over buried barracks; a garage door

Motifs

• The Filthy Little Crawler's Book of Voodoo — A loophole the AI likes but closes: 'you need to be using this damn book for something else.'
• The gods — Harpocrates stopped by a bass-heavy song about wieners.
• Faction Wars — Conscription's no-healing debuff; a hearing stalled on purpose.