Chapter 7 of 35 · Book 4, The Gate of the Feral Gods

Chapter 7 — The frog con

Book: The Gate of the Feral Gods · Previous: Chapter 6 — City hall · Next: Chapter 8 — A yam from the pacifists · Floor: Floor 5 — The Bubbles · Series: the series

Opening

» New Achievement! Total, Utter Failure.

Summary

Total, Utter Failure — a quest failed in under five minutes, 'Reward: Ha.' A camel's rocket blows the chock open; Carl's eighth-strength hob-lobber down the hall sets off the camels' own carried explosives, and city hall is on fire. Donut Holes a window in the outer wall, Carl pulls the tag on Bautista's stuffed Grulke infantry and sends a twenty-five-second toad hopping over the town wall as a decoy ('You summoned me just to make me run like a little bitch?'), and Donut's Puddle Jumper now carries four people the length of a street. A camel tells them the town hall was attacked by frogs; Donut agrees that anything with a sticky tongue cannot be trusted; Katia arrives with an umbrella drink to review the plan ('sneak in […] and sneak out again undetected. Good job'). City hall collapses. 'People are going to start thinking you have a problem with authority.' Camels on stilts pour water on the fire; others raise the storm shield on scaffolding; Mordecai suggests Donut's goggles might find the hotter brains of changelings among the camels. Emerald, a camel helping dig the rubble: every day after sunrise they send the gnomes proof of collateral, and if that does not happen tomorrow, 'what happened to the Bactrians will happen to us.'

Louis and Firas are sent to grind with the archers. Gwen's team has breached a sand wall and faces a seashell one, harried by a chainsaw-buzzard borough boss that wrecks siege towers; she has seen two crawlers surface in a Nautilus-style submarine. Second sponsors arrive: for Carl, the Open Intellect Pacifist Action Network, Intergalactic NFC — Not for Conquest, a tax-free non-profit, probably a group that opposes the crawl and bought his feed for its commercials; for Donut, Veriluxx RealPet Companions, who set the highest bid in the series' history and will send a product sample she must be seen using before an infomercial in a week; for Katia, the Squim Conglomerate, last season's operator, who sponsor five hundred crawlers. Loita: 'I am not Zev, Carl. Do not speak back to me like that.' Katia is booked solo on Dungeon Sidekicks. Zev is 'still in treatment.'

At the Desperado Club (a third bodyguard, Very Sullen; the Penis Parade gives hats), Morris the Arachnid psychiatrist and Bobby D.J., a twitching level-24 Spy who disarms the tomb's traps, explain their quadrant: a village of Nude Glabers, undead naked mole rats, at the top; the Crypt of Anser and the stairwell at the bottom; a maze of traps between. Their other map was guarded by a pig they killed with banana seeds before they knew it was the Bactrians' hostage, and the room blew up. Anser was an emperor buried with his living court and his wife, Quetzalcoatlus, now a screaming bird-ghost who walks through the tomb's walls; the tomb party's quest is to kill her, and the changelings want to give her flesh to touch her. Katia sits down with pencil and paper to draw them a path to the bottom. Two benefactor boxes arrive as the storm hits: bronze from the Valtay, silver from the pacifists.

Characters

• Carl — A frog decoy, a burning city hall, a second sponsor he does not want.
• Princess Donut — Puddle Jumper across town; the highest sponsorship bid in series history; 'Do you think I'll get lines?'
• Katia Grim — An umbrella drink and a review; the Squim Conglomerate; draws the tomb's map by hand.
• Mordecai — Heat signatures for changeling brains; NFC explained.
• Louis and Firas — Shrapnel and burns; sent to grind.
• Emerald — A camel digging for the hostage: 'proof of collateral' every sunrise.
• Gwendolyn Duet — A sand wall breached; a buzzard boss; a submarine sighted.
• Loita — Bookings, a product sample, and no back-talk.
• Zev — Loita: 'Zev is still in treatment.'
• The tomb raiders — Morris and Bobby at the club: the maze, the pig, the ghost.
• Quetzalcoatlus — Anser's wife, buried alive, now a ghost that screams like a bird.
• Daniel Bautista — Gave Carl the Grulke figure; going through his thousand in an ant colony.

Locations

• Hump Town — City hall in flames and then rubble; the shield on scaffolding.
• The Desperado Club — Penis Parade; Very Sullen; the Silk Road restocked.
• The Necropolis of Anser — Nude Glabers at the top, the Crypt at the bottom, traps between.
• The sandcastle — A sand wall breached; a seashell wall next.

Motifs

• Achievements — Total, Utter Failure, for the quest the tomb party's Cockblock ruined in ch. 6.
• The stuffed figures — A Grulke summoned as a decoy; 'they're toads.'
• Sponsorship — The pacifists, Veriluxx, the Squim Conglomerate; an infomercial booked.
• The changelings — Refugees with a plan to resurrect a ghost.
• The Dirigible Gnomes — Proof of collateral every sunrise, or the bombs.
• Explosives — Carried rockets cook off; eighth-strength hob-lobbers; a rocket with more range wanted.
• The show — A product placement disguised as a benefactor box.
• The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook — Its ghost-killing bombs, recalled.