Chapter 16 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 16 — The Paramour

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 15 — The Lollipop: the crawlers' table · Next: Chapter 17 — Bucket Boy at the wheel; Dr. Metcalf · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

“You should sing something from Creedence Clearwater Revival.

Summary

Linus, from under the table, says Elle's late husband loved Creedence — she had their albums at Meadow Lark — and Elle is angry for the first time; Louis wants the Misfits or Anthrax. Carl lets them pretend it is a regular bar. Prepotente needs advice: from a celestial box he has three Enriched Pet Biscuits — refined, known-result versions of the enhanced biscuit that made Donut (Enhanced Growth, Party Companion tree path one), him (Smarty-Pants, path two) and Bianca (Hellspawn Familiar, Pet subtree). 'Nothing Special' makes a dungeon pet; 'Nothing Special Party Companion' does what Donut got without the growth or the speech; and 'The Paramour': intelligence and wisdom raised, level reset to 1, a crawler number, a class to choose, an upright oxygen-breathing form one to two and a half metres tall ('basically a cat girl. A mascot. A furry'), and 'a permanent, incurable* charm that will make them fall hopelessly in love with the entity who fed them the biscuit'. Her name is Ragazzaccia; she was his girlfriend before the dungeon, one of the goats still in his carriers. 'Absolutely not' Donut: it is not right, she would be level 1 and out of the carrier and get hurt, 'Can you imagine if that’s what had happened to me? Do you really think I could be a proper girlfriend for Carl? It’s a crime against nature.' 'I’m so lonely'; he has nobody to ask these things, imagines his mother's answers, and lacks the memory benefit that gave Donut every television show. Donut appoints herself his rule-giver — rule one, no love magic; rule two, stop arguing — despite Love Vampire ('That’s different'), and they will talk every day. Carl wonders if it is too late to give Donut the biscuit that stops a pet talking. Jurgen returns with an armful of drinks: 'What did I miss?'

Characters

• Carl — Lets them pretend it is a regular bar; wonders about the biscuit that stops a pet talking.
• Princess Donut — 'It’s a crime against nature'; appoints herself Prepotente's rule-giver.
• Prepotente — Three Enriched Pet Biscuits; wants to feed Ragazzaccia the Paramour; 'I’m so lonely.'
• Elle McGibbons — Angry for the first time when Linus names her husband's music.
• Linus and Minus — Knows Elle's late husband loved Creedence.
• Louis and Firas — Wants the Misfits or Anthrax.
• Jurgen — Returns with drinks: 'What did I miss?'
• Miriam Dom — The answers Prepotente imagines from his mother.
• Bianca — Made by the Hellspawn Familiar path.

Locations

• The Lollipop — The table.
• Meadow Lark (party) — Elle had the albums there, in her room.

Motifs

• The enriched pet biscuits — Enriched biscuits: Nothing Special, Nothing Special Party Companion, and the Paramour — love magic, level 1, a crawler number.
• Staying human — Rule one, no love magic; 'Do you really think I could be a proper girlfriend for Carl?'