Chapter 19 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 19 — One Fine Pig; Penelope

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 18 — Heat two: the hail, and Team Sparkles' cannon · Next: Chapter 20 — Prison Pocket and Party Foul · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

“Don’t turn when you look left and right,” I said as we bumped up the hill.

Summary

Bucket Boy crawls up the hills under Donut's truck-wide Shield while hail explodes the landscape; at the next crest One Fine Pig's Russian-boxy Hummer-armoured truck (a cube shield) and the Lady Dominators' burgundy late-60s GTO convertible (a slow-things-pass shield like the ninth floor's) are parked, their people out staring downhill, Corcunda asleep in the GTO's back seat under an Unconscious notification — 'Huh.' The figures look like the backstage of the Penis Parade: Genesis and Rapture with their boots on the road; Pontiff, a level-83 Taurin Rhythm Rider mercenary whose vibrating glowing mallet keeps the hail off, the dancer Damascus sent back to the market for being a dick, who once slapped Bucket Boy; and Nico, a level-91 Tigran Greaser buffer than Bautista with a Jersey voice, whose card explains that Bautista 'almost did something really suspicious with his tea', that Tigrans have vegans and MLM victims too, and that Nico is in an unhealthy throuple with Dario — the thinner, gold-chained Tigran glaring from the wheel of their Tigr APV — and Penelope, who is the pig. A level-5 Yorkshire Sow, 'Oink, oink', married to both and loving them equally 'at least that’s what Nico and Dario believe', never a princess, hit once by the Touch of Maw-Loo — the Snowdrop Curse — from an unused seventh-floor succubus storyline involving Emberus, Hellik and Taranis, so that certain NPCs fall helplessly in love with her, Taranis included: 'magically protected by Taranis […] the culprit will be marked for death by the thunder god'. Taranis: elder brother of Emberus, Hellik and Eris, once married to Apito, his mother. 'Don’t hurt the pig.' Beyond the crest, in the road: 'Oh, for fuck’s sake.'

Characters

• Carl — 'Huh' at the sleeping Corcunda; 'Don’t hurt the pig.'
• Princess Donut — Her Shield covers the truck.
• Bucket Boy — Crawls up the hills; once slapped by Pontiff.
• Genesis and Rapture (the Lady Dominators) — Boots on the road, staring downhill.
• Corcunda (Corky and Porky) — Asleep in the GTO under an Unconscious notification.
• Pontiff — Level-83 Taurin Rhythm Rider whose vibrating mallet keeps the hail off; sent back to the market by Damascus for being a dick.
• Nico and Dario (One Fine Pig) — Nico a Tigran Greaser with a Jersey voice; Dario thin and gold-chained at the wheel; a throuple with a pig.
• Penelope — A level-5 Yorkshire Sow under the Snowdrop Curse: certain NPCs fall helplessly in love with her, Taranis included.
• Damascus Steel — Sent Pontiff back to the market.
• Daniel Bautista — 'Almost did something really suspicious with his tea.'
• Taranis — Elder brother of Emberus, Hellik and Eris, once married to Apito; the pig's protector.
• Emberus — Named in the unused seventh-floor storyline.
• Hellik — Named in it.
• Eris — Taranis's sister.

Locations

• The hail track — The crest where the two lead teams are parked.
• The Penis Parade — Its backstage, as the figures look.

Motifs

• The gods — The Touch of Maw-Loo: whoever hurts the pig is marked for death by the thunder god; Taranis's mother and wife.
• The tenth floor — Cube shields and slow-things-pass shields.