Chapter 37 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 37 — Chicken and Waffles and Upgrades; Elle and the war mage

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 36 — Jacobus, the reverse tooth fairy · Next: Chapter 38 — Akuma's account: Herot, Menerva and the Pineapple Cabaret · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

» Entering Chicken and Waffles and Upgrades.

Summary

C&W&U is a 1950s diner inside the 1980s town, exempt from safe-room rules, staffed by flightless imps; Darla-Dean in a rockabilly wig asks how many kiddie menus. Louis wants to see one; Samantha, who was not there a minute ago, wants one too ('there aren’t any children on here at all'), confides to Louis that Finley tried to seduce her, and wants to order sous vide satyr capretto in front of Prepotente. Every item is labelled with its buff — strawberry milkshakes give 5% reaction time; Prepotente orders twenty of every flavoured soda and tells Jurgen he may eat only here. Behind the jukebox ('Sledgehammer') a hallway to a dusty counter, a binder of vehicles, and Hickster, a level-25 Upgrade Imp with burnt-out eyes, 'Killed by Akuma of the War Mage Rebellion', holding a note in crayon on a kiddie menu: 'you were supposed to come alone, you moron […] Ditch them and come back.' A disintegration trap on a hidden door behind a poster of an armoured yak, disarmed and looted. 'Anything you say to me, you say to everyone.' Akuma, an older sun-mottled elf sipping a purple milkshake — the war mages are magic made flesh, born when a flesher is resleeved too many times, made by neither showrunners nor AI, heads exploding ten minutes after death — gets as far as 'You are a fucking idiot, Carl' before Donut's Mute and Elle's ice bolt to the crotch. The Mute was planned. Elle, over him: 'you barely sapient magical fart', they tried to kill her and stole the gate before she was done with it; where she grew up they hit thieves with sticks and threw their shoes in the sound — a punch, a sound of breaking glass — 'That was just your left nut.' The right one, then 'the main event', then Jacobus's dentistry ('Ja, ja, ja'), if he lies; Imani's anti-magic shield will drain him until Carl is done. Imani's story of Ingrid Schmidt, who cheated at bingo and never played again. Samantha spins on the dead imp; the mercenaries cower ('Quintuple').

Characters

• Carl — Finds the crayon note, disarms the disintegration trap; 'Anything you say to me, you say to everyone.'
• Princess Donut — Casts Mute as planned.
• Elle McGibbons — Ice bolt to the crotch: 'That was just your left nut.'
• Imani — Her anti-magic shield drains the mage; the Ingrid Schmidt bingo story.
• Louis and Firas — Louis wants a kiddie menu.
• Prepotente — Twenty of every soda; Jurgen may eat only here.
• Florin — At the table.
• Samantha — Sous vide satyr capretto; spins on the dead imp.
• Team Helix (Olga, Finley and Quemada) — The mercenaries cower: 'Quintuple.'
• Jacobus — 'Ja, ja, ja' — dentistry if he lies.
• Akuma — An older sun-mottled elf with a purple milkshake: war mages are magic made flesh; 'You are a fucking idiot, Carl' — then Mute.
• Meadow Lark (party) — Ingrid Schmidt cheated at bingo.

Locations

• Chicken and Waffles and Upgrades — A 1950s diner of flightless imps, exempt from safe-room rules; the Upgrades hall behind the jukebox; Hickster dead at the counter.

Motifs

• The war mages — Born when a flesher is re-sleeved too many times; heads explode ten minutes after death.
• The Gate of the Feral Gods — Stolen from Elle before she was done with it.