Chapter 45 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 45 — The garage of One Fine Pig

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 44 — Upano: the pit stop; Jamal on the ceiling; three deaths in the street · Next: Chapter 46 — Glitzy Pizzazz; two traps · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

“I am going to fucking rip your heads off,” I roared, storming into the garage for One Fin

Summary

'I am going to fucking rip your heads off.' Their gremlin Lipstick cowers; an ethereal blue gun materialises from the pig's painted backside and blows out the garage wall and the next house, flipping the dromedarians' bus into flames — Elle ices it. Three camels with spiked bats beat the APV; Penelope squeals inside and lightning cracks a clear sky, louder with each squeal. Carl's gauntlet dents the door — Slam. Slam. Slam. — until the square shield switches on and throws him through the hole like a cattle prod; a camel's head crunches on the door lip, neck broken; Lipstick is pinned against the back wall and bursts, held there 'like a drop of blood pressed under a piece of glass'. Imani pulls him back; Jacobus buzzes, clapping; Donut: 'You can’t fight a car. And you’ll hurt Penelope!' He sits at the curb before the remains — Quemada a scorch mark, Finley legless, Olga's head caved — undone by the unfairness of one NPC's act of defiance snuffed out on the way to help. Jacobus whispers something in Danish that does not translate. They cannot drive; no new mercenaries between heats; Jamal counts as hired and gremlins cannot drive. Donut wraps his neck, purring: 'We have plans in case this happens. Remember?' He asks her to take the corpses, Finley, Olga and the camel. Around the corner the Tigrans argue — 'We win this, and we get Penny to the safe place. She’s the important one'; Emergency Gremlins; 'you can’t take the cat […] Penny will be defenseless against her sultry advances'; 'They were charging too much' — and Donut's growl sends them back into the locked cab. A tear: there is a way out of all of it, and it will not be easy. Louis: the bat dudes are selling acid-rain protection; his team is first in its heat, Prepotente first overall, Bodi's thousand stall-buffs making Eileen the lowrider fast, tracks like waterslides and a Satan who hopes none of them lead to his butthole.

Characters

• Carl — Dents the armoured door with his fist; thrown by the shield; a tear; 'There was a way out of this.'
• Princess Donut — 'You can’t fight a car'; takes the corpses; her growl sends the Tigrans back inside.
• Nico and Dario (One Fine Pig) — The gun from the pig's backside; a camel's neck broken; Lipstick their gremlin burst; 'Penny to the safe place.'
• Penelope — Squeals and the sky flashes.
• Imani — Pulls him back.
• Elle McGibbons — Ices the burning bus.
• Jacobus — Whispers untranslated Danish.
• Louis and Firas — First in his heat; Bodi's buffs; Satan and his butthole.
• Prepotente — First overall.

Locations

• Upano — One Fine Pig's garage, the wall blown out.
• The garage and the cul-de-sac — The curb before the remains.

Motifs

• Staying human — 'I couldn’t react like that.'
• The mobs are victims — Finley's act of defiance snuffed out.
• The arena vote and the stand-ins — Penelope's card and the lightning: 'There was a way out of this. Out of it all.'
• Carl's family — 'We have plans in case this happens.'