Chapter 5 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 5 — Team Sparkles; the tow

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 4 — Miss Talulah; Team Free Love · Next: Chapter 6 — Spider legs · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

I had a long plank of wood out, and I was in the process of reinforcing it and attaching t

Summary

Carl builds a flatbed cart from a plank and wheels with Rend as ballast (the meatball giggles at the drill and eats manatee gore; Mongo, left to guard the truck, finds the horn: 'Make way for the big shot', a squawk and a tommy gun, twenty times). The two bugbears are alive again with hope, and Carl reads the floor's logic: awakened NPCs are used on this floor because it helps the story — a purge of the problem-causing components. Team Sparkles arrives: the mount is an Avernus Creeper, a half-size walking tangle of vines related to the sixth floor's Gehenna Brambles, unkillable because every thorn regrows a whole plant; its riders are Dwight, a level-87 Sparkling Unicorn Enchanter with a Boston three-packs-a-day voice whose card calls him 'a complete prick' who would call the police on a lemonade stand, and Lucienne, a level-81 Mandagot Fink — a rat-chinchilla with bulging red eyes, a racing helmet and a French accent — who worships Diwata and so is automatically hostile 'because Diwata HATES your ass'. 'Yo, fatty, get out of the road.' Mongo leans on the horn, the plant bolts over the trailer and the van, and 'Fuck yoooouuuu!' fades into the dark; Carl comes out of the water with a leech killed by Damage Reflect, and Rend full of thorns — each one able to grow a plant that has taken whole planets, which Mordecai wants for a Botanist's Table. The van is chained to the truck's rear step; the bugbears dump Alevtina in the water (a bugbear thing, Mordecai says: mourning is never tied to the body). Manatee corpses along the tunnel were ripped in half by 'mount Old Shuck from the Jugglers'. Team Free Love are musicians on this floor — pan flute, bongos, violin — and Donut wants a tambourine for Mongo. Her vote returns: the people chose 'Otto the slime guy' as the manatee's stand-in 'in the arena'; Ajib's mob was voted to the arena too; nobody knows what it means. Elle is alone in a meet-and-greet hall with the one fan who came through the quarantine — a soother in a shirt with a naked cartoon of her, who bought a yacht to come — and a body pillow whose nipples are the wrong colour. Hungry Eyes Village and the finish line appear at the convergence of a hundred roads under waving spotlights, the bleachers empty; Radoslav bows — 'today we are friends' — and climbs into his van. Heat one: One Fine Pig first, the Jugglers, Lady Dominators and the Gimp, the Wild Hunt, Girth the Trouble, Team Sparkles, the Royal Court of Princess Donut seventh, Team Free Love eighth, the Trauco Triplets eliminated. 'We’re going to have to kill those bugbear guys eventually, right?' 'Probably'

Characters

• Carl — Builds a flatbed cart; Donut asks him: 'We’re going to have to kill those bugbear guys eventually, right?'
• Princess Donut — Her vote returns: Otto the slime is the manatee's stand-in 'in the arena'.
• Mongo — Finds the horn: 'Make way for the big shot', twenty times.
• Garret — Rend as ballast, giggling at the drill, full of thorns.
• Radoslav and Jasha (Team Free Love) — Musicians on this floor; Alevtina into the water; 'today we are friends'.
• Dwight and Lucienne (Team Sparkles) — Team Sparkles on an Avernus Creeper: 'a complete prick' and a French rat who worships Diwata; 'Fuck yoooouuuu!'
• Mordecai — Wants the thorns for a Botanist's Table; bugbear mourning is never tied to the body.
• Elle McGibbons — Alone in a meet-and-greet with one soother fan and a body pillow.
• Zev — In chat, on the meet-and-greet: 'the meet-and-greet program was set up a while ago for this floor'.

Locations

• The Caves of the Screeching Death Manatees — Manatee corpses ripped in half by Old Shuck; a leech killed by Damage Reflect.
• Hungry Eyes Village — The finish line at the convergence of a hundred roads, bleachers empty.

Motifs

• The tenth floor — Heat one results: the Royal Court seventh, Free Love eighth, the Triplets out.
• The mobs are victims — Awakened NPCs used because it helps the story — a purge of the problem components.
• The arena vote and the stand-ins — Otto and Ajib's mob voted to the arena; nobody knows what it means.
• The Big Shot Chicken truck — The van chained to the rear step.
• The show — Elle's one fan through the quarantine.
• The chat — Results and the tow.