Chapter 6 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 6 — Spider legs

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 5 — Team Sparkles; the tow · Next: Chapter 7 — The Moon Reaper · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

“One Fine Pig?” Donut asked, incredulous.

Summary

The truck teleports to a driveway and the garage; the bugbears' van is gone, the chains remain. Donut: 'The AI voice is getting all weird and glitchy.' The Navitron reads heat two: ten kilometres of rolling paved road in torrential rain and giant hail, two paths assigned at random, each with a gatekeeper monster that must be killed, three hours — 'our biggest hazard is the fact that this bucket has to be driven by a fucking cat this time.' Ten hours to solve that: up to three mercenaries per heat, hired at a bar in Hungry Eyes or from the ones they already have (Donut: not Samantha, 'THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A CORNISH REX'), and Hedy's advice to build a removable driving rig anyway — Carl thinks 'Katia could' and stops. Hedy on the rules: what can be changed 'is clear as a troll's ball sack', the truck regenerates to its start-of-race form each heat, the first three tracks are paved and then anything. Her recommendation is mobility before heat four: Retractable (spider) Legs, a Hover upgrade (twice the speed, a new engine, no climbing), or All-Terrain Tires with Vertical Climb at −25% speed; no home-built magic upgrades are allowed. The tablet holds over a thousand options and a Golden tab Carl cannot see; the weapons — a spike barrel like the goblin murder dozer, a flamethrower, an EMP pulse, a brick wall dropped behind you — tell him keeping other teams from killing each other will be impossible, and Zhang has already said Li Na killed most of hers. Spider legs; Hedy slaps his butt with the tablet: 'Sexy and smart.' Mordecai warns to leave Rend outside the safe room. Rend and Mongo have found the truck's freezer: frozen fries and chicken patties thrown like Frisbees. 'Meet your two bodyguards.'

Characters

• Carl — Ten hours to make a cat drive; thinks 'Katia could' and stops; picks spider legs.
• Princess Donut — Must drive heat two; not Samantha, 'THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A CORNISH REX'.
• Mongo — Frozen fries as Frisbees.
• Garret — Rend to be left outside the safe room.
• Hedy — Rules 'clear as a troll's ball sack'; mobility before heat four; slaps his butt: 'Sexy and smart.'
• Mordecai — Warns about Rend.
• Samantha — Not to drive.
• Katia Grim — The thought Carl stops.
• Li Na — Zhang says she killed most of her heat.
• The System AI — Donut: 'The AI voice is getting all weird and glitchy.'

Locations

• The garage and the cul-de-sac — The truck teleports back; the chains remain, the van gone.
• Hungry Eyes Village — Mercenaries hired at a bar there.

Motifs

• The tenth floor — Heat two: rain and hail, two random paths, a gatekeeper each; a Golden tab Carl cannot see.
• Dr. Metcalf (the Navitron 1000) — Reads heat two: 'driven by a fucking cat this time'.
• The Big Shot Chicken truck — Regenerates each heat; spider legs chosen.