Chapter 80 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 80 — The final heat: the lobby

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 79 — 715 deals; Britney in Carl's mind; the Nothing in quotes · Next: Chapter 81 — Scolopendra's first attack: the Beast of Burden Sin · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

“Is your flamethrower working properly?

Summary

Elle reports that the Bleak Congregation has left the realm and a new team has replaced it, breaking their maths; Donut is proud that the Minister made the Unholy Choir. Osvaldo rides Bruna to the line alone, most of his friends dead or gone, having refused a way out. Donut drinks Size Up and reads his stats — Splooged, dexterity 285 buffed, Puddle Jump with a ten-second countdown, Launch — and they work out that he must wait for them to blow the path open; Carl thinks he knows the smart, slightly fucked-up move. Dwight arrives sober, towing a missile launcher. Carl drives, Jamal is the only mercenary, and Donut rides in the muted Dorota; four hours are on the clock, but the plan should take under a minute.

Pontiff brings news of the new croupier, Mitch, an ex-wall rat, and of a portal-examination scroll on the new Nothing slot. He volunteers for Rosetta's test: if he steps in and lives while still hired, it is not what they want; if he lives and is removed from Carl's employ, he has reached the holding area and the original exit is viable. Carl tells him it is not necessary to try to kill himself; Pontiff answers that changing himself is not enough, and that 'this information may help those who I once called “friend.”' Carl, too spent to argue, adds a message for Herot.

The heat shrinks the entrants, leaving the truck the size of a computer mouse under an awning beside Dwight, whose GPS avatar is a holographic fairy made to look and sound like Lucienne. The borrowed arsenal includes a hole-punch gun that opens any shield for three seconds, Mordecai's updated potion for Metcalf to fire at the instant of green, and an electrical disrupter ball for Dwight's GPS. GPS upgrades, including Golden cloaking that shows other GPS units only what the team wants, have satisfied Dr. Metcalf, though she still refuses to remove Dorota's gag. Across the way, a polar bear with orc jockeys, a giraffe with a slime and Team Yokai's Pacer share one heat: NPC-only heats are allowed, and all the planning meant nothing. Then two gut punches: the next heat puts Chris's red semi and a floating Cadillac against Imani and Elle's APV, and the one after puts Louis and Britney's gecko and an NPC sedan against Florin's moped with Lucia behind him.

Characters

• Carl — Reads Osvaldo's stats; a message for Herot; rolls up the window on Dwight.
• Princess Donut — 'I’M VERY PROUD OF HIM'; Size Up on Osvaldo; 'I hate this, Carl.'
• Jamal — The only mercenary, flamethrower primed.
• Hedy — 'Why you sayin’ goodbye, boss?'
• Elle McGibbons — The Congregation left; the maths broken; in a heat with Chris.
• Imani — 'No. No, no, no, no, no.'
• Chris — Placed against Imani and Elle.
• Osvaldo — Alone on Bruna, splooged, Launch 14, every shield on himself.
• Dwight and Lucienne (Team Sparkles) — A missile launcher; a GPS fairy with Lucienne's face and voice.
• Pontiff — Will step into the portal as a test; 'simply changing myself is not enough.'
• Rosetta Thagra — The hired-or-removed test.
• Florin — Placed against Louis and Britney.
• Lucia Mar — Behind him.
• Louis and Firas — A gecko.
• Britney Proskurina — In the gecko.
• The Minister of Blood-Letting — The Bleak Congregation 'left the realm'; the Unholy Choir is Donut's guess.

Locations

• The garage and the cul-de-sac — Visible behind the heats, strangely.
• The L'Engle Building — The lobby: heats under awnings, the size of a computer mouse.
• The Desperado Club — Mitch the croupier.
• The Nothing — The portal-examination scroll.

Motifs

• Crawler on crawler — An NPC-only heat; friends placed against friends.
• Dr. Metcalf (the Navitron 1000) — Three upgrades; a hole-punch gun; 'I’ll show her who’s low-tier.'
• Waking the NPCs — 'JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DRESSES LIKE A FUNERAL PROCESSION EJACULATED ON THEM'
• Explosives — The Tower of Power waits.