Chapter 82 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 82 — Karl the dachshund; Team Sparkles ends

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 81 — Scolopendra's first attack: the Beast of Burden Sin · Next: Chapter 83 — The poleaxes; Britney kills Osvaldo; the Cadillac · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

Imani: Check in! Check in!

Summary

Check-ins after the Transformation: Elle is a goblin, Jacobus a starfish kept alive with splooge, Chris a werewolf in human form; Prepotente and Jurgen were protected by the Apito memorial crystal, which shields anyone in the same building or mount and is now 11.1% charged. Carl is a long-haired dachshund with a German accent and no thumbs, his typing coming out as barking and his rings, xistera and gauntlet gone. Samantha is not a listed mercenary, so Donut adds her as driver: Samantha steers with her mouth, Donut works the pedals and Carl the weapons. Neither Osvaldo nor Dwight nor any mount was hit.

Then a notification gives Carl his idea and explains the four-hour clock and the open garages — the AI anticipated it: Pontiff has left the playing field and is no longer considered a mercenary. The system now spells Carl's name with a K. He asks Mordecai whether the garden is intact (every plant is alive) and calls contingency three for everyone who suddenly has multiple opponents. He has parked too close for Dwight's cannon to deploy. He begs Osvaldo not to force this; Osvaldo says it is now too late.

'Forgive me' Carl says, and at the green light, in under a minute, their opponents are all dead: the veterans of Faction Wars no longer care about collateral. Dwight's cannon fires into Bruna's shield; the hole punch, vine-killing balls and GPS-frying potion follow; Donut goes out the window as smoke, onto the roof, and takes Dwight's head off with one swipe, looting his horn before Team Sparkles is eliminated. Across the lobby the other heats go the same way, and Team Yokai's Pacer phases through a door. Osvaldo crouches on Bruna, all his shields on himself and none on the gnu, waiting for the hole. A slugpox boil forms. Carl announces he is blowing the ceiling in ten seconds.

Characters

• Carl — Karl, a long-haired dachshund with a German accent; 'Contingency three'; 'Forgive me'; blows the ceiling.
• Princess Donut — 'A DACHSHUND!'; adds Samantha as driver; kills Dwight with one swipe and takes his horn.
• Samantha — Steers with her mouth; 'get him neutered […] Or maybe not.'
• Jamal — 'Jamal is most certainly ready to drive!'
• Elle McGibbons — A goblin.
• Imani — Splooge on a starfish.
• Jacobus — A starfish.
• Prepotente — Protected by the crystal, 11.1% charged.
• Jurgen — Protected.
• Chris — A werewolf in human form.
• Pontiff — 'Has left the playing field' — the notice that gives Carl the idea.
• Mordecai — 'Who is this?'; the garden intact.
• Dwight and Lucienne (Team Sparkles) — Cannon into Bruna; dead before the notification.
• Osvaldo — 'Go fuck yourself, Carl'; Ysalte's crystal did not protect.
• Team Yokai (Dekoki and Yuto) — Phase through a door and away.

Locations

• The L'Engle Building — Team Sparkles eliminated 'because […] Holy shit, that was pretty badass.'

Motifs

• The nine-tier attack — Beast of Burden Sin: Transformation.
• Memorial crystals — Apito's protects a building; Ysalte's protects nothing.
• Crawler on crawler — 'We were crawlers, and they were not.'
• The Garden of Deliverance — All plants alive.
• Plan Carl — Contingency three.
• The Sluggalos — A boil forms on his back.
• Dorota — Rolls the manual window down with an arm.