Chapter 23 of 99 · Book 8, A Parade of Horribles

Chapter 23 — Plenty of Plenty; Zev reads the script; a note from C&W&U

Book: A Parade of Horribles · Part: Horrible One · Previous: Chapter 22 — Last place; the princess throne · Next: Chapter 24 — Akuma's note; half a prayer, half a song; the sock · Floor: Floor 10 — Don't Come in Last · Series: the series

Opening

“Oh shit,” Splash Zone said.

Summary

Splash Zone: 'Was it Corky or Porky?' It is Corky, the right side, drugged, two garages over. Dong drops his crust sock and hauls the door up — 'the most beautiful man to have ever lived, your best friend of all eternity, your partner, your most loyal steed' ('Steed?' asks Hedy) — and Samantha and Bigs stream out after him; safe-room rules do not apply in garages. The generated gremlins on the truck know what Carl did with the scrolls and throw a wrench at him; Hedy laughs: 'Serves the little freaks right'. Carl, flat on his back in the costume under the ceiling stain of the first exploded gremlin, feels what he felt when his father smashed the fish tank with a motorcycle helmet and the mollies died: they solved the boss and came last anyway, and he is barely responsible for himself, let alone anyone. Zev: every surviving team must do a media show between heats; theirs is Plenty of Plenty, in a few hours, in the suit ('I think that’s why they’re making it happen now'); Cascadia is 'not feeling well' and the AI is making Zev read a script. Jamal offers commentary; Rend barfs frozen chicken on Carl's face. A gremlin hands him a warm note as Zev's announcement begins: the AI commends Jurgen's barehanded kill, Osvaldo's sacrifice of his mercenary, Karac's 'disgusting chainsaw thing' and Carl 'for satiating yet another unbirthing fantasy'; the special guest creatures were made for other purposes, never used, 'in the cold', now allowed to fulfil them (a photon into a dead gazelle's butthole); 80% of votes favour the stand-in; the eleventh floor, A Parade of Horribles, is 'a parade. It’s a celebration. It’s a march to the arena. It is a coming-out party for the ages' where all surviving crawlers work together — 'It’s not always about you' — built to go quick through loopholes; the text changes as she reads: 'I see you, Emperator of the Valtay fleet and your system-busting bomb, who just entered through the tunnel gate […] I make no apologies about where that giant suicide bomb just ended up'; afterwards the twelfth, 'Plus, there’s another, completely minor and barely worth mentioning issue with some of the gods I might need some help with'; and 'there’s still way too many of you around […] So let the culling begin!' Then Cascadia: 'Why won’t you let me die?' — screaming — and Zev: she has lost a few flippers, 'Next time she’ll say her catchphrase like a good little mudskipper'. The note is a C&W&U invoice, 'Shop opens after the third heat', with a stick-figure 'Your mom'; under Escape Plan it reads: kill two teams next heat, come alone after the race and ask for the top-shelf upgrades, 'We don’t have to be enemies, Carl. We want the same thing. I can smuggle friends to the Pineapple Cabaret.' Signed Akuma.

Characters

• Carl — Flat on his back in the costume, feeling what he felt when his father smashed the fish tank.
• Dong Quixote — Drops his crust sock and hauls the door up: 'your most loyal steed'.
• Bucket Boy — Saw Corcunda.
• Splash Zone — 'Oh shit,' 'Was it Corky or Porky?'; streams out after Dong.
• Samantha — Streams out.
• Kandy Bigs Newton — Streams out.
• Hedy — 'Serves the little freaks right.'
• Jamal — Offers commentary.
• Garret — Rend barfs frozen chicken on Carl's face.
• Zev — Reads the AI's script: Plenty of Plenty in a few hours; Cascadia 'not feeling well'.
• Cascadia — 'Why won’t you let me die? […] What catchphrase? Fuck you' — screaming; a few flippers lost.
• Akuma — Signs the C&W&U invoice: kill two teams, come alone, 'I can smuggle friends to the Pineapple Cabaret.'
• Jurgen — Commended for a barehanded kill.
• Osvaldo — Commended for sacrificing his mercenary.
• The System AI — 'I make no apologies about where that giant suicide bomb just ended up'; 'So let the culling begin!'

Locations

• The garage and the cul-de-sac — Corky is two garages over, drugged; garages are not safe rooms.

Motifs

• The arena vote and the stand-ins — 80% of votes favour the stand-in.
• The war mages — Akuma's note under 'Escape Plan'.
• The Valtay Corporation — The Emperator's system-busting bomb, gone somewhere.
• Carl's family — The fish tank and the motorcycle helmet.
• The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook — The eleventh 'designed to go quick thanks to a few of those aforementioned loopholes'.
• The show — A media show between heats for every surviving team.